High’s and Low’s

Every night when it’s time for bed Rylan and I talk about what our “highs” and “lows” were for the day. Many times my low for the day would be that I had a sad day or was missing Cade. Sometimes when it was my turn Rylan would say “let me guess, your low is that you miss Cade” and I would say yes. Lol. But from the moment we lost Cade, I have wanted to make sure Rylan understands that it’s ok to show people you are sad and to talk about it. I never wanted him feeling like he had to follow the stigma of the world, which is to get over it. To push it back or bottle it up and put on your strong face and act like everything is ok. That is the worst thing you can actually do.

Rylan started a kids grief support group through a wonderful organization called Kyles Korner that we learned of through Children’s of WI. I try and talk to him after his groups to see what they talked about and get him to open up about the topics. Last night at bedtime we were doing our usual highs and lows and I was surprised by Rys low. Usually he tells me he has no lows for the day, which I always tell him is great. Some nights I question this after long challenging days when he was yelled at a lot or lost privileges to television or screen time and I ask him if he really had no lows because x, y, or z would have made me sad, etc. Often he says “Oh yeah. That would be my low.” I just try to get him to understand the emotions and reactions and how they all relate. So as I was saying, to my surprise last night Ry told me all of his highs, which were getting to go to Nature Scholars and play with his friends and be outside. The weather is unseasonably beautiful this week in November for us here in IL. Then he went on to tell me that his low was that he was missing Cade. I asked him if there was something that happened or something that he was that reminded him of Cade and made him miss him, or if he was just sad and missing him all day. He said that his friend Alex was looking at the poem “In Heaven” that was the poem on Cade’s bookmarks. Nature Scholars has a stack of these bookmarks from his Celebration of Life so that families can take one if they wanted. Him and Alex were looking at one and reading the poem and it made him sad. It made him cry a little bit. I said “it made you cry? Did you let the tears out or hold them in?” And he said “yes, just a few tears. But I wiped them away and went back and played. I was afraid to cry and let the other kids see me. I didn’t want them to make fun of me for crying.”

This really hit my heart. As I brushed his hair to the side of his face with my fingers, I cupped the side of his face with my palm. I told him not to ever be afraid to cry in front of people. If other kids laugh at you for crying, then they are not your friends. Or maybe they don’t understand how you’re feeling and this is an opportunity for you to teach them a lesson about kindness and compassion. If you were to cry in front of them and they were to laugh, you need to tell them how you feel. Tell them that something just happened that made you really sad and miss your brother who is in heaven and that they are being very unkind laughing at you about it. It is ok to cry. I told him how I get caught off guard often at work when patients ask me how Cade is doing and they don’t know and so I have to tell them that he died in April. It often makes me cry. Sometimes I cry in front of them, other times I take a minute and go in the back and let my tears come out because it is important to let them out. It’s important to honor your feelings in the moment. It makes you feel better to let them out vs. holding them inside. It is healthy. The more grief is bottled up and put to the side, whether it is to wait for a more “convenient” time to deal with it, because you feel you need to be stronger, that crying means your weak; whatever your reason. Not dealing with your grief can, over time, end up manifesting it’s way through anyways but now it will show up as health problems. You can only bottle things up for so long. It’s like a shaken pop bottle, right? When you finally try to open it the built up pressure makes it explode everywhere. Grief is no different. If you push it down further and further, eventually it will explode. I have heard this statement numerous times- the only way to deal with your grief is to go through it. The only way is THROUGH. There is no way around. Honor yourself by honoring your grief.

Believe me, I am not an expert. I am still very much new to this world and learning every day as I go along. But I whole heartedly believe this to be true. The only way is through. I know that I will be ok and I pray that my family will be ok. That we will continue to learn to walk this earth without Cade and find a new routine. A new way of life. But we can’t do it alone. No one can. Things I have learned that are so important is to lean on those who love you. Accept help when it’s offered. Know that it is ok to ask for help when you need it. Keep your faith. And lean on God. On my hardest days I find that I always turn to God and pray for strength, and my prayers are always answered by letters and cards that suddenly come in the mail to lift me up or messages sent from distant friends or strangers telling me they’re thinking of me. Cardinals that fly by me on a cold morning walk. These are little love notes from God. Messages of hope.

My hope for our world and our culture is that grief will become more naturally accepted by all. That the expectations of so many will not be to expect someone to “get over it” and “move on already because it has been X amount of time”. To often we are quick to judge and make opinions about others and how they are choosing to do something or handle something, but we forget to put ourselves in the shoes of others. We are quick to judge someone, but forget that we have NO IDEA of their situation. If you lost your child, how long do you think it would take you to be “over it”? 6months? 2 years? 5 years? Truth is, I don’t think you ever get over it. Ever. Just like how the birth of a child is a love you never could have imagined and can’t begin to explain to someone; so is true of the death of a child. Part of you dies with them. It leaves a hole in your heart. I don’t think the hole ever heals over. Your heart just learns to continue to function and work around it. I think your quality of life after such a loss is determined by how you chose to deal with that loss. Do you let it cripple you and turn you in to an angry, bitter person? Or do you find a purpose in life and continue to love and live in honor of your beautiful child? You, and only you, can decide this. And just because you decide the latter, doesn’t mean that it isn’t going to be a struggle. That some days aren’t going to absolutely suck, because let me tell you, they will. There are days I feel great, and there are days I literally cry the entire drive home from work. But I have a will to live and I want to be happy in this life. So I choose to do the work. To join self care groups, to listen to or read helpful things about grief, to take the time to write letters to Cade or entries on this blog even if it’s through tears, because tears can sometimes be the release we need. I chose to walk through the ugly days full of tears and exhaustion because I know that the only way through is through. Be gentle on yourself. I have heard this advice from many people and I often have to remind myself this. Remember that grief exists because of LOVE. Love one another, take care of each other, be the friend that you would want to have. Try and find hope and believe that there is light through the darkness. And remember that it is always ok to cry, and you should never worry that someone may make fun of you for doing so. ❤️