Mothers Day

Today has been a hard day. The weather outside isn’t helping matters any. It’s cold and rainy and actually snow flurries just started coming down, which is fantastic. I love when it snows in May. I have actually felt sad for the last few days. Maybe my body was anticipating how it would feel today, leading up to it, but my mind kept thinking what’s the big deal, it’s not going to be that hard, it’s just another day. Today is Mother’s Day. And God do I miss you. I miss you so much. 

It’s the first of many first, I know. Each one of them will be heart wrenching and hard and it will be a challenge to find the happiness within each of them. Because happiness isn’t the same without your presence. I just wanna see your silly smile, missing tooth and all. I want to hear your adorable giggles. Your sweet voice. I want to snuggle you and hold your hand. Oh how much I want to hold your hand. I think about you all the time. I walked in to the house last week and could hear you in my head saying “I’m ok mom…I’m just coloring in Rylans room.” Or I hear you calling “can I be done sleeping?” I close my eyes and I see you talking with your wood chopper hand gesture you were famous for doing when you really were trying to get your point across. You were always so animated with your hand gestures when talking, just like your daddy. Or I see you running around laughing. I sleep with one of your monkey blankies. I have since the night you left us. It makes me feel closer to you, but it’s not the same. It was so much better when it was being shoved in my face to analyze and give you my feedback on whether or not that particular spot was stinky or not. 

My sadness comes in waves. Some moments I’m perfectly fine or have plenty of distraction. Other moments I am sobbing. Sometimes there can be a whole day between, other times a matter of hours or minutes. The sadness floods over me because I’m looking at the closet full of your favorite puzzles. The corner of the toy room that’s exploding with paw patrol toys and garbage trucks, the things that were your favorite to play with. Your fleece that you wore for your last months here that was hanging on the stroller filled with your blankets from all of the walks we got to take at the end. Your bin of shoes in the mud room. The piles of your favorite books under the living room table. Your Easter baskets that sat next to Rylans on the fireplace. Your favorite tshirts and pajamas and things. Then I try my hardest to remind myself that you are happy in heaven. That you’re running and playing again and not feeling any more pain. But I struggle to understand why you had to endure all of it in the first place, any of it. Why you only got to have such a short life here on earth with us, I’ll never understand. This I know. It is far bigger than I could ever understand. But God better be ready to have a very lengthy conversation with me whenever I get up to heaven helping me to understand all of it. 

Rylan misses you so much buddy. You were his best friend. And I know he was yours. He talks about you every single day asking me what you are doing up in heaven, what I think you’re doing, or sharing with me what he thinks you are doing at any given time. I’m trying to get him to understand his feelings and that it’s ok to express the sadness I know he’s holding inside. He’s going to need to feel you with him always bug and I hope that you’ll always be right there for him to comfort him and hug him when he needs to feel you. When he’s missing you as much as me and daddy and not understanding it. And daddy. Daddy misses you more than you’ll ever know. You were his guy. You know that. He told me one day through tears that the camping night you, him, and Rylan got to do before you got sick, the guys only camping night, he told me how he looked over at the two of you boys sleeping next to him and thought to himself that it was the most perfect night ever. I know he will hold that memory forever. We all will hold so many memories of our moments with you my sweet boy. So many. We love you so much sugar bug.