After my post Thursday we had to go to the funeral home. I just felt numb. But on our drive we noticed something that warmed our hearts. It was supposed to be another gloomy, rainy day. As it had been the last couple days, stormy and gray. Instead, we noticed that while the day had started out that way, that afternoon as we were driving we realized that the sky was as clear and as blue as could be and the sun was brightly shinning. It was a beautiful day. We knew that this was Cade letting us know that he was up in heaven and he was ok. Several of our close friends noticed this too and had sent us text messages sharing this same thought.
We sadly don’t have as many decisions to make at this time because with COVID we are unable to have services for Cade. Not the services we feel he deserves. The funeral home cannot allow more than 10 people from your immediate family at this time. They mentioned a drive by wake, but this was not something that either of us wanted. The parade was amazing, but Cade got to be there and see it and be part of it. We don’t want to sit there and mourn as cars drive by. We decided that we would much rather wait and have a Celebration of Life where we can honor him in person with those that loved him. Hopefully in June/July once things get lifted. This is what Cade deserves. We did have to decide what we wanted done with his body, whether to have him burried in a casket or cremated. Thankfully we had these discussions prior to this day. Chris had asked a dear friend of ours this personal question. She had lost her teenage daughter and he asked her what she had decided to do with her. She replied something that I will be forever grateful for. She told Chris that she decided to have her cremated because she knew that if she had burried her in the ground then she would never be able to leave this state if she ever had to move for any reason. This way, she also can bring her to every beautiful place she goes and scatter a little bit of her ashes there. Chris and I have always talked about moving to North Carolina one day, ever since we were married there. I would have never thought of something like this, but I too would have NEVER been able to leave Illinois if Cade were here in the ground. My heart forever thanks you for sharing this perspective Misty.
It was hard sitting there listening to the woman talk about things, as incredibly kind as she was, all the while knowing that my sweet boy was lying somewhere in that building with his monkey blanket, wrapped up in his super hero blanket waiting. I know, I get it, his soul is no longer there, but still. It was unsettling. Our decision is to have him cremated, so she discussed urns and told us that he would be cremated Saturday or Monday depending when they got the permits. We learned today, that it will be done Monday. We found him a beautiful Super Man urn on one of the websites she provided that we felt was perfect for him. He would have liked it. On the drive home we talked about how we wanted to move now to somewhere no one knows us, just run away, and that while that is tempting, we know in our hearts that there is absolutely no way we could do that. The amount of love and support that has surrounded us and continues to surround us is indescribable. We know that we can’t leave that. Not now at least. Chris mentioned when we woke up that he didn’t think he could live in this house any longer, and I’ll be honest that the thought had absolutely crossed my mind. But as we both thought about it more, I told him as hard as it is, it would be just as hard to leave because this is his home. I look out in our yard and I see him driving the gator, or hear him calling to me from upstairs, or see him dancing in the bathroom while Ry is in the shower. As heartbreaking as it may be to stay here, it fills my heart at the same time to be here and feel his presence and his memory.
When we got home it was hard to believe that it had been 24 hours already since Cade had been gone. Friday I woke up and it was easier to get out of bed. Probably because Rylans hands or feet had been in my face half of the night. But I woke up and laid there just wishing and waiting to hear Cade yell out from upstairs “mommy?! Can I be done sleeping?” Or thinking about the mornings when he used to sneak down in to my room to my side of the bed just giggling away and then crawl in with me. I think what triggered this was Ry saying he was going to go find daddy and if he was sleeping say “wakey! wakey!” which was something they both did all the time followed by roars of laughter. There were definitely hard moments throughout the day, like when I had to get in the car and I turned around to see his car seat and blankets. Or when I walked back in the house and just could hear his voice saying “I’m ok mom! I’m up in Ry’s room coloring.” But overall the day felt peaceful and calm. Chris and I talked a lot and both felt this way. We know that Cade is in a better place. We had been looking at all sorts of old pictures, uploading them on a link that the funeral home would attach to his obituary, and while it was definitely sad, it made us both realize how happy and full of life and spirit Cade was. That was our Cade. And we didn’t see him anymore towards the end, months before the end. This disease had taken that from him. And it made us think if he were still here, still fighting, would his life have gotten any better? These kids fight so hard for so long, and even when they’re in remission or stable disease, they continue to fight so many uphill battles. From anxiety and depression to physical losses and disabilities, to cognitive issues with learning, processing, and memory. And that probably barley even scratches the surface. Who knows what his life would have been like years from now, a decade from now. He could have continued to suffer in so many other ways. This somehow gives us both peace because we know he is up in heaven now with that amazing outgoing spirit fully restored and he is getting to just be a kid. One of my best friends came to see me later that afternoon and when she left she told me how proud of us she was. That while she knew we were broken inside and our hearts aching, she could see the peace and calm on our faces and she could feel Cades presence in our home, that it felt angelic. That filled my heart.
After Cade died, my best friend Jackie in Florida shared something with me. She had had a dream that night before that Cade was running in a field with hills and was running up and down the hills. She went on to share with me that her sister, who lives here near me, also had a dream. She had a dream that someone had done a painting of Cade. He was lying in a bed with all his tubes, his oxygen and feeding tube, and she was starring at this painting admiring how beautiful it was. As she was looking at the painting, Cade got up out of the painting and started to walk. She was so shocked by this and by the fact that he was walking she couldn’t believe it. She turned to see where he was walking to and in her dream she said when she turned to look where he was going she saw God. He was standing with his arms wide open and on one side of him was Misha and the other side of him stood a Grandpa. She has known me since the boys were babies so she knew our old dog Misha, but she asked if Jackie knew of any Grandpa up in heaven. Jackie wasn’t sure but she felt this dream was so profound that even though it maybe wasn’t the right timing to speak to me about it, she just had to share it with me. I told her there is a Grandpa. It is Chris’ grandpa who was like a father to him, and who the boys knew as Boomp. Misha and Boomp were standing with God awaiting Cade’s arrival. Dreams are incredible sometimes, and the fact that she woke up from this dream on the morning of the same day that Cade later went to heaven just gave me chills. And also comfort.
We know he is okay. We know that the road ahead is going to be smooth at times and at other times there will be bumps in the road and even pot holes. And while we miss him more than anything, we do know in our hearts that he is in a better place. The amount of support that you all are continuing to show and surround us with from both near and far, is truly surreal. We can’t even begin to express the gratitude we feel in our hearts. For everyone who is continuing to pray for us, for our comfort and peace, we thank you. We are absolutely feeling your prayers and I know that I am feeling both God and Cade hugging me and giving me strength each day. Today as I sat outside on the patio enjoying the beautiful day having coffee with a friend (while 6 feet apart!), a butterfly flew past me. It was the first one I have seen this season. As it flew by I said quietly with a smile on my face and in my heart, “hi my baby.” Then a few minutes a bright red cardinal flew past and above my house. A short while later after my friend had left, I was on the front porch and 2 more cardinals flew through the trees in our front yard. ❤️
I had to write Cade’s obituary yesterday. It was posted today by the funeral home along with a link to a slideshow of pictures of him. I have attached the link for those that would like to read it or view the slideshow. ❤️
http://colonialmchenry.tributes.com/obituary/show/Cade-Alexander-Winters-108483844
Our Warrior Journey 