In God We Trust

Over the weekend Cade wasn’t appearing to be much better from a respiratory standpoint. I was starting to get worried that if he didn’t start to get better, his MRI Tuesday was going to get canceled again. I prayed a long time Sunday night. Prayed that he would get better so that this scan could be done. Prayed that God would continue to hold us tightly and help us navigate this path. That he would continue to show himself to us and let us know that he is here with us, to please help us feel his presence. 

Monday morning was the start of month 7 for us. We have made it past the half way mark (or so I hope). We were driving to the hospital, like we do every morning that we go. We drive up 43 so we pass all sorts of semi trucks and what not. As I was driving, there was a fuel tank truck in the lane next to me. It was ahead of me and as I looked over at the back of the large silver barrel on the truck I noticed something below the company’s logo. The words “In God We Trust”. It caught me off guard. When have you ever seen something like this on the back of a fuel tanker?! I never had. I couldn’t believe it. In that moment I a huge smile broke across my face as I looked up to the sky with a slight chuckle and said out loud- “thank you.” Thank you God for hearing me and showing me you are still here by our side. Even funnier was that I wanted to remember this to write about so I opened my notebook app quick today to jot it. As I looked up from the keypad I noticed that the words “In God We Trust” were all in bold black font. I have no idea how, I don’t even know how to do this, I just quickly opened it to type a reminder note as I’ve done a million times and this has never once happened. God just really wanted to remind me of this. Remind me to trust in him. 

Cade seemed better Monday. His lab work was great. His attitude was 100 times better than a week prior. He was eating a ton, which is always a fantastic sign to us that he is feeling better. And he was interacting with every person at the day hospital, which does NOT always happen. These were all good signs he was feeling better. Tuesday he woke up seeming even better, though his cough was still there. I was hoping that anesthesia would feel he was perfectly fine to go under anesthesia and prepared to push back if they felt differently. Thankfully, all went well and he went back for his MRI. He woke up pretty quick afterwards and has been a little bit crabbier and sassier for the solid 24hrs since. He was literally the most uncooperative he has ever been for his hearing test this morning. So much so, that she’s going to repeat it next month when his ear drums are hopefully healthier and his attitude more cooperative so she can see if there is any true changes. 

At treatment today I told them that I was hoping Dr Tanaka would come in and quickly pull up the scans to go over them with us as I wanted to see and hear from him directly. I knew his day was super busy, so we were grateful that he came over even when he hesitantly said he only had about 10 minutes. He pulled up the scans and gave us the official report that they are STABLE. There is nothing new or concerning. The spine is still clear of disease and the spots in the brain were stable. He said he may be slightly bias, but he felt like some of them were slightly improved as he showed us a few of the pictures. This is a new oncologist for us. Dr Knipstein is now gone. I saw and spoke to him on Friday as he wished us well and said goodbye. He said he wouldn’t expect anything but stable or slightly improved on his upcoming scan because he looks and is doing so great. But this scan was definitely bittersweet. I wanted to discuss it with Dr Knipstein. I’m used to going over all the pictures and talking about it all with him. Our new oncologist on Monday, which was the first time we had actually met, had basically told me if nothing was concerning to talk about then we would just be told that the scan is stable. I was talking about this with one of his NP’s, Katie, who I adore, and she informed me that she actually had talked to Dr Tanaka about this letting him know that Cade’s mom will be different from other patients, she will want to see the scans and discuss them with you in person regardless. I laughed and thanked her for this. 

Our nurse, Suzie, had actually called me on the drive home last night to tell me that at a quick glance, the Dr says the scans are stable. But they hadn’t fully reviewed them in depth, they were hot off the press. I remember taking this in after hanging up and crying. I’m not sure if I was crying out of disappointment or relief. Maybe both. I just keep having flashes of getting told that it’s all gone. I keep hoping that they’re going to say this. All the spots are gone, his scans are clean! So when I hear they’re just stable I feel my heart sink because I want more. Maybe that’s why God BOLD printed that reminder to me today to trust him. He is still at work. I need to believe this. I need to find a way to feel peace and joy when I hear the scans are stable. Chris was thrilled when I told him that last night. Then he sweetly and positively reminded me that stable is great news! He reminded me how back in July when he had his first scan post radiation that were remarkably better, that Dr Knipstein had explained to us that they weren’t sure if the spots still left were active tumor cells or if they were clumps of dead cells. Tumor that the radiation had killed, but that still remained. Sometimes they remain for a long time until the body eventually sloughs them off and absorbs or gets rid of them. For some, they may always remain there unchanged. I had forgotten this and him reminding me of this different perspective gave me the peace I needed. These are results to celebrate! His scans are STABLE. Thank you God. And thank you all for your incredible prayers! ❤️ 🙏🏼