Thursday

The last 24 hours has been challenging for me. Yesterday I was exhausted. Completely over tired from the rough night Cade had had, and when I’m overtired, I am emotional. I just couldn’t shake it. Cade had began having nightmares that night and at one point when I was in bed with him during one, he asked me if I could make it go away. I asked, make what go away? The scary dream? When he said yes, I said a prayer over him asking God to keep the evil away from my child. To circle him Lord with your shield of protection and keep him safe from evil. Between that, an autocorrection I got that was not a positive one, and a couple of other things that happened, I felt fear starting to creep in. I don’t even remember what the word was that it auto corrected me to, but it gave me a bad vibe and I shook it out of my head instantly telling myself it doesn’t mean anything, it’s not a sign of anything. But it was a sign. I know it’s normal to be scared, but it was a heavier fear I felt yesterday. I realized last night the more I thought about it, that it was signs of evil. They say when people hold strong to their faith and see God in the ways I feel I have been seeing him and feeling him, that the devil always tries to make his way in and pull us back. Make us start to doubt or disbelieve. 

Yesterday there was concerns in rounds about Cade not eating much yet, he hasn’t pooped, he’s still vomiting, etc. etc. Those were all valid concerns, but my heart hurt more because I felt like I hadn’t seen my babies soul in days. Granted I know he just had major brain surgery 2 days ago, but still. I hadn’t seen him smile or heard him talk much besides his cries of pain. I hadn’t seen him smile or be silly. I was needing to see his little personality. Chris returned to the hospital yesterday afternoon with big brother Rylan, and as soon as Cade saw Rylan a smile just spread across his face. I felt so relieved. There you are baby, was all I could think to myself. Rylan was so great the whole time he was here considering he was here for almost 6 hours before he and I left for the night. They have child services here & I can’t even begin to talk about how wonderful they are. For a period of time they just took Ry out of here and took him off to do arts and crafts and he came back with a big canvas of his painted name. During that time PT had come by to work with Cade. He got out of bed, walked a couple steps, and then sat in the chair on my lap for 7 minutes. He wanted to go back to bed after 1 minute, but PT was adorable with him. She showed him the numbers on the phone, telling him our goal was 5 min, only 3 more minutes to go. She distracted him with that time by trying to build with his new Squigz (thank you Amanda!!) to reach from the window to where he was sitting. He wouldn’t cooperate with her prior to that when she was trying to get him to lift his leg up and kick her hand. But with the squigz, she got him to kick the chain of squigz and help her pull them all apart to put them away. She was very impressed at how well he did, at his balance, and head strength holding his head and neck upright all on his own. PT will work with him daily if possible and work towards getting him to be able to go up and down stairs since we have many in our home. 

While Ry was here though, it was so great to see them interact, to see Cade smile and talk, and to see how gentle Ry was with him at times while playing with him and when telling him how much he loved him as we were getting ready to leave.

The oncology team came by to briefly introduce themselves to us, which was overwhelming. As she was talking to me all I could think to myself was, this is real. This is really happening. Why is this happening to us. It did not help that they came at the end of my day of emotional exhaustion when Rylan and I were getting ready to leave. Finally we said our goodbyes and Ry and I were headed home for a night in our own beds. As we were leaving, we took the stairs as he loves to do, and as we were walking down the stairs I stopped him and made him step back up a couple stairs. Look Ry, and I pointed down to the stairs. There was a very tiny ray of a rainbow. I noticed it on 3 stairs going down the flight of stairs. It was very faint. Probably walked over unnoticed by many. But it got my attention. And after the night and day I had, that was my sign. My little smile of sunshine that made a tiny rainbow. My dear loved ones upstairs letting me know that they’re still watching over us. 

My aunt shared a beautiful song with me Tuesday night. She and my uncle had come to visit us from Milwaukee. She said then when she left the hospital and got in the car, this song was playing and all she could do was think of me. I don’t listen to Christian music really, besides a Toby Mac CD from my mom that Rylan is obsessed with. But this song is beautiful and therapeutic and it helped me to just release and cry. I listened to it on the way home and let more tears fall as soon as Rylan was fast asleep. Thank you Aunt Karen.